The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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109: A Taint to Call Home

April 13, 2016 at 6:00PM • 1 hour 30 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about sexuality sleuthing, dating the TSA, and a magical lion's taint. Questions/stories/comments? Visit or call/text 509-AWKWARD.

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: We had dinner at Benihana and it could've been awkward but wasn't!

This Week's Questions:

  • Mattheyous asks, "Re: Xan and the awkward explosive diarrhea: get a Japanese toilet. They have built in sound masking functions, because apparently Japanese woman are embarrassed / bring dishonor (is that a racist thing to say? I mean, it's an excuse the yakuza uses...) on their family when their urinating / shitting noises are heard by other people. I believe you can just buy the sound machine by itself. Also, that's racist. Erica is absolutely correct. Fear of MSG goes back to a letter (weirdly, written by a Chinese American) to a medical journal that talked about headaches and things he felt after his headaches. Google 'Chinese restaurant syndrome. ' Tomatoes, potato chips...all have MSG. It's is an amino acid."
  • Matheyous asks, "I'm determined to have at least few hookups ( preferably more) via Tinder before I turn 30 (I'm 26, turning 27 next month). Once you turn 30, you have to start paying $20 a month and I refuse to do that. I've actually gotten a few response this time around (including a response from a ESL Japanese girl who took my pick up line very literally). But, as you guys know, I still live 'at home '(even though my mother is usually not here). I get the whole going out a few times first thing, that's fine. But how and when do I explain my living situation? I don't want to be doing really well, we get along great, she wants to fuck, and having to explain and ask if that's ok. Early on? First or second date? I'm free to have girls over and spend the night, the trick is getting them there (I think that sounded sexist, but I'm not sure how to reword it). Thanks."
  • Talia (32/SF) asks, "Good tidings coworkers. I write you with a predicament concerning a literal coworker. Her name is Unity and she is a cunt and a half. Our office has a cancer drive where we bring in canned food for cancer victims and she fucking shits all over it. Like fine I get it. Cancer and canned food doesn't make any sense but someone thought it would be a fun play on words. You know like CANcer. So she is boycotting the drive and has protest signs in her office. Whatever. I brought in a six pack of snap peas on Thursday so she sees me ready to donate and is like no bitch. She comes over and slaps the cans out of my arms so hard it fires into my knee and hours later at the hospital I find out I have a patellar fracture. Our beautiful company paid my medical bills because Unity sweeeeaaars to her cunty God that it was an accident but bitch it was not a fucking accident. You got mad and slapped a can into my knee you stupid fucking toilet cunt!!!!! But what the fuck ever because I got paid aside from now I have a half marathon I trained for can't run anymore. I paid for it and am gonna lose my registration money because this bitch got a problem with cancer drives. I yell at her stupid bitch face every day telling her where's my money bitch? Give me my registration money! She doesn't do it. Can you sense I'm livid? I want my money back and compensation for losing out on the race of my life. How do I get this cunt ass bitch to pay? Unity my fucking asshole."
  • Anonymous (GM) asks, "I'm a guy (16). So there was a guy I met at a friend's party (22). He seems straight but I don't know I always catch him staring at me and when I look at him he just smiles. I don't know if it's because he was drunk but I don't know. He also that same night put his hand around me when we were driving around in the back of a friends vehicle when they were driving around and he also, while drunk, tried holding my hand kinda. I don't know. I really like him but I don't know if he's gay."
  • Houston (20/GM) asks, "Aloha humans!! I am a gay 20 year old boy. I have a roommate you can call Kyle who is 19 and also a homosexual. We are like BFFs but no benefits. Kyle has a lot of stuffed animals in his collection so they're on his bed and in the shelves and shit. He's got a whole shelf for Disney, one for some anime, another for those big eye things, and so on. Then he decorates the room with big ones he wins at theme parks and shit like that. One is giant a magenta lion. He loves his lion. He named it Lion because he's so fucking creative. Now Lion has a visitor and I want to evict them. Our apartment building is in a bad part of town and our landlord does not exist. We think we rent from a robot because when we send in requests it sounds like a computer jumbled a response up and replied it to us. Like a big company owns a bunch of the buildings and we get responses from 'James' and 'Susanne' but they talk like a dumb robot so me and Kyle decided it was a robot. We have bugs in the apartment sometimes and there are rats in the hall. Usually small cute ones so we got used to them. We named the rats. I did not let Kyle name one 'Rat' don't worry. Our floor has Queen Latifah, Lemmiwinks, and Mr. Bojangles. When they run around the hallways it's no big deal. I'm like hey Mr. Bojangles and drop a little smoothie on the floor for him to suck on on my way home. I don't know what Kyle does but I do it by the front door so the rats don't know where I live. He did something I know because Queen Latifah followed him home and got into the apartment. She burrowed through Lion's taint and now lives inside of him. Kyle loves Lion and thinks I am friends with the rats because I named them and talk to them and share my smoothies with them, but that just makes me a nice guy. I am not a rat friend. I want Kyle to throw Lion in the dumpster so Queen Latifah will move out but Kyle says Queen Latifah will move into another place if he does that but I think he just wants to keep Lion. I told him Queen Latifah is definitely taking little rat shits inside of Lion's taint but he does NOT agree. OMG. I want to throw Lion away when Kyle goes out on the town. He is a burgeoning alcoholic so I have many the opportunity. Is this wrong though? I don't want to kill Queen Latifah but I don't know how to get her out of Lion and my life without a casualty. I think it's got to be her or Lion and Lion isn't a living creature so he gets my vote. What would Jesus do?"
  • Ana (Mid-20s/F) asks, "Coworkers, I am writing you from an airplane because I am so uncomfortable I paid for Wi-Fi. Please help me! You know the TSA, duh. I am a biracial woman, mid-20s, half white half Pakastani but nobody knows what I am. Sometimes Greek, sometimes Italian. I get those most times and the airport isn't a problem most times since those races are not profiled. Oh, but some can tell my Pakastani features so they are evident. Perhaps this was the case on this trip. I am going to visit my sick mom. She won't die but she is ailing so it is still stressful for our family. I packed many things in my bag. It was very dense. I got stopped by the TSA for an inspection and he ruined all my wonderful packing. The inspection took so long I could not repack properly and carried many of my personal things in my arms while boarding the plane. However the problem I am troubled by happened during the inspection. This man at the TSA (his name is Hakeem) went through all my items in large detail. At first he suspected me of carrying dangerous goods but when he realized this was wrong he softened up. Then he checked my clothing including my underwear and he became flirtatious in odd ways. This man said to me that I had excellent taste in clothing and consumer electronics. I have an iPad and noise quieting earphones. No one need be impressed by this. Before I was dismissed he saw my license again and noticed I lived locally. He asked me on a date. I was surprised and afraid so I said I would go to dinner with him when I returned but of course I don’t want to go. I am very uncomfortable with this! Can you please help me get out of this date?"

Special Segment: Interview with Judy Fridono, guardian of Ricochet the SURFice dog.

Final Thoughts: Adam pays tribute to his favorite Final Fantasy character.