The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

Got a question or comment? Visit for lots of options! Check out our Subreddit, too!

If you love the show, please help us keep making them! (This does not require a financial contribution.)


Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

← Previous Episode   |   Next Episode →

110: My Father the Retarded Narwhal

April 19, 2016 at 12:45PM • 1 hour 34 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about phantom voicemails, coffee addiction, and eating dog meat. We're also joined by special guests Mark Waters, Steven Garcia, and Adam Noel of the Gayme On! podcast.

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week:

This Week's Questions:

  • Amira asks, "I hate it that my boyfriend is addicted to coffee. He drinks his coffee everyday. It makes his breath smell and I don't like to kiss his coffee mouth. He does mouthwash sometimes and that helps but we are combining finances soon and he spend too much money on coffee. He goes to Dutch Bros. three times a day and that's $4.50 a coffee three times a day seven days a week 52 weeks a year. I did the math it's $4,919 and that's not with taxes. He also flirts with the female baristas a lot and I don't like it but I can live with that. He doesn't cheat or anything afaik. I am troubled by the money. We live together and split the rent. He pays almost as much for coffee as his part of the rent. That's crazy! Can't he make coffee at home? Also he sleeps restlessly and snores. I read articles about how caffeine does this to a person. I think he needs to really scale back his coffee needs. At least make it at home. I think he likes the social part of Dutch Bros. He talks about it like they are family of his. He says things about Dutch Bros. with the warmth of love. It sounds like he's in a cult. I want to unbrainwash him please but society accepts the caffeine addict. It is a dangerous drug!! How can I stop him? We could go broke someday if he continues down this road."
  • Black Kidd from Oakland (24/SM) asks, "Hello, hope all is well with you guys and gals on the show. This is by far my most favorite podcast. Keep up the good work! I'm a straight male from the Bay Area, Oakland, California and am 24 years of age. I have a question but I feel I should start from the beginning. So six years ago I met someone and it seemed like I met my best friend. Our very first talk we connected and we both knew we wanted to be apart of each others lives rather it be friends or more than that. One of the things I learned about her was that she was a Christian who was saving herself for marriage. I guess she wanted to let it be known straight away that i was wasting my time if my main objective would be to sleep with her. I understood and respected that. We for sure had a connection and ended up becoming a couple, but before that I had to think pretty hard about my life and what I wanted because from the conversation we had for her it was about finding someone serious and settling down to be married to that person. I had to think if I would marry her before I even saw what it was like to just be dating. I made the decision to be with her meaning i also made the decision to be celibate with her and eventually propose to be married. I liked her, still feel she is one of the best humans on this earth I've ever met so to be celibate for the first time ever i felt she was worth the sacrifice. So a few weeks in the relationship we are in my apartment at the time and I don't know where but out the blue she decided she wanted to have sex for the first time. I first said no because its not what she wants and after she may have regret and I don't want her to regret being with me sexually if its not done right (by her/family standards of right). She basically assured me she had been thinking and decided she wants to because she has no doubts she wants to marry me. I got hard, Lol so I did proceed and we had sex for the first time. After she assured me its what she wanted she was in control and she made the conscious decision to lose herself to me...which now I'm thinking was a fucking mistake. Fast forward 3 years later. Still in the relationship, and still sexually active. then out of the blue she hits me with this: I think I want to go back to being celibate. I was shocked and upset. Upset because i knew something was bothering her but she didn't tell me and the last few times we had sex she was so withdrawn i thought there was something wrong with me and she just wasn't into it. I was pissed because she got me used to how things were, but i still agreed, assured her that i loved her and although frustrated at the situation, Id support that decision. I have been trying really hard to be a good guy for her, and not just think about sex but i have needs ad they aren't being met. the needs i mentally shut down when she said she was waiting and also the ones i let come back when she changed her mind. So anyways I will land my plane soon (sorry) After a few months she changed her mind again and said she doesn't want to not be sexual. I then sat her down and talked to her to get an understanding of what was going on in her mind. She did say she felt the first time she was afraid of me getting bored with her thats why she did it the first time. That hurt because i had to really sit and think about things before asking her out and had made the decision to respect her lifestyle and actually wait for her. I assured her again that im here for the long term.After the conversation she concludes that she doesn't want to have vaginal sex, but opt for oral instead until marriage. To me, sex is sex and if you are doing it for religious purposes there shouldn't be any shortcuts of any kind, just commitment. As silly as i thought it was i agreed to it because of course who doesn't love BJ's. 4th year into this...she then changes her mind again and says she wants to do it all. I say no and this time I'm pissed. I feel she is having no regard to my feelings and what this does to me her being indecisive about something thats actually pretty serious. We get into a big argument then she promised she wouldn't change her mind again because marriage isn't looking too far away. year 5. She does it again! just when things seem cool she hits me with I feel I've been doing wrong and i want to go back to no sex. I'm not generous this time. I tell her no and that if she wanted to go back ti that just end things because I didn't want to go back to that and i gave her that respect in the past but she didn't take it. I don't know if i meant that, just tired of being pushed around sexually. I don't want to cheat, but when i think about leaving I've invested so much i feel it would be the wrong decision like I did everything to try to make her happy but still ended up with nothing. Other than this our relationship was pretty good. This is a tough one because not only do I love her she's been my best friend for the last six years and I'm afraid if things end we wont be able to be friends because it will hurt too much for the both of us. Confused, frustrated, mad, sad, missing her all at the same time. Should i follow my heart, or follow my brain that says move on it's just not going to work. As much as I hear about guys being dogs and caring about nothing but sex it bothers me to know that our future is no longer and the problem is from sex, and the lack of. Im not one of those guys, I did care, and was willing to be everything she wanted me to be. But when is enough, enough?? Adam, Erica, Darren, Richard and guest thank you for hearing out my problem, and am looking forward to see what the future of awkward humans has to offer. There will be typos and such in this letter, I apologize. Only a 15 minute break to write all of this before going back into work LOL take care. Hope to hear back soon."
  • Michelle (24/SF) asks, "Voicemail Part I and Voicemail Part II."
  • Justin (26/M) asks, "Dear Awkward Humans, My father may be crazy. Can you help? I woke up from a nap to my phone buzzing around on the floor. It was on the coffee table when I went to beddie-bye but it got so many calls and messages that it fell off to buzz around the floor, looking like it was crawling under the couch to die. All the calls and messages came from my father who for some reason thinks I called him and said he was a retarded narwhal. First he is hurt I would call him a name but then he looks up what a narwhal is and calls me back because he wants to know if I meant it as a compliment because narwhals are special and if I meant special when I said retarded. Then he called back again to say he was not going to give me the benefit of the doubt because nobody should say that to their father no matter what. Then he texted me a picture of a narwhal asking if that's what I think of him. Then I got another voicemail where he was sobbing into the phone about how I don't love him anymore and he thought we had a good relationship but now I hate him and am ignoring him. I never called my father a retarded narwhal. I called him back after I saw this shitstorm and told him I didn't do that and he said I did and the voicemail is from my phone and in my voice and I said 'hey you retarded narwhal, it's your son, hope your day is stupid' and then hung up. Of course I asked him to play the voicemail for me and he said he was so upset he deleted it. I think he had a nightmare and thinks it's real. He's 62 but that can happen at that age can't it? He won't believe I didn't do this. He says I must be drunk or on drugs and calling people with rude messages but I don't drink or do drugs because my company drug tests like all the time. I operate dangerous machinery at work. I can't be impaired even a little bit. So my father be crazy and I don't know what to do about it. He will not let this go."
  • Rahmat (25/SM) asks, "You are receiving this question from a 25 year old Indonesian male who thinks white hick chicks are magnificent and majestic. It's all about that bass wrapped up in daisy dukes that gets me in the mood to bone. Asians men can make it with your average single white female no prob, but if we campaigning for a hick chick then she usually got some racist thoughts. Small dicks, smart, etcetera. I'm a dumb ass with a huge cock. I can make these girls MOAN. I got some game too, but stereotypes you know what I'm sayin? How do I get these girls? I can deliver the goods but I can't make the sale."

Special Segment: Interview with Sam Hoeschel, creator of Taste of Streep

Final Thoughts: Margaret Bagelman and Cheryl Gendler perform the theme song to Cheryl's Donut World, live, in an unprecedented duet.