The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

Got a question or comment? Visit awkwardhuman.com/ask for lots of options! Check out our Subreddit, too!

**NSFW**

Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.



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Is This Real Life?

169: Is This Real Life?

June 15, 2017 at 9:00PM • 1 hour 6 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week, we're talking about a kitten controversy, smelly kid feet, and the illusion of time! It's the OG crew this week, featuring the return of Darren Herczeg!

Get 50% off Bukkake! the Card Game for Father's Day/Month with promo code COME4DAD




Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Erica discovers the benefits of thorough handwashing and Darren recaps an event from the 2017 Gay Pride Class Warfare Battlefield.

This Week's Questions:

  • Brooklyn asks, "In regards to the episode “Penis Elbow” in which you speculated on a story of a man who asked “is it in” during sex. Your hilarious discussion triggered an amazing story from my senior year of high school. A friend of mine had been dating a guy for a month or so. He was a virgin, but she was not. She was an extremely smart, sex positive girl and had had a few partners at this point. She planned to sleep with her new boo when his parents were out of town over the long weekend. So I knew it was coming. The day after the deed was done I called her (It was a long time ago, so no texting), and asked how it went. She started to cry, which was definitely not a good sign. I asked her what happened, and that’s when she told me one the most awkward sex stories I’ve ever heard. "It didn’t happen. We got into position, and he started to hump me, but he was missing… it was just going against my butt cheek and the sheets. I was so confused, so when he came… I didn’t know what to do! I was embarrassed, and he thought he just lost his virginity! So I didn’t tell him… He’s still a virgin and he doesn’t know it." I had absolutely no advice to give her, I was trying so hard not to laugh (Truth be told I didn’t like the guy so I found this hysterical). She has never told him. He did eventually lose his virginity to her, so at least he knows who he lost it to, but the time he pictures in his mind is not the right one. I mean, honestly your 2nd time is always better than the 1st, so he was probably better when he actually got there! Not that he knows that… But to answer your question: yes, there is at least one person who should have said “is it in?” Much Love, Brooklyn"
  • Ashton (23/SF) asks, "Hello Fellow Awkward Humans, I came across your show back in January, and started listening diligently to it at work to help pass the time. Now that I have finally wrapped up episode 168, I am actually bummed that I have to go 6 FULL days without hearing your familiar voices and the amazing questions that are asked weekly! To the fellow podcast listeners/participators, thank you for keeping work and, well life, exciting. I’ve got a couple questions that came to mind as I was listening to the last handfuls of episodes. Oh, and my name is Ashton, I am a 23 year-old, straight female, from MN (represent), and actually lived out in Anaheim for a little bit last summer! Anyways, neither of the questions is really awkward, but your guy’s topics of discussion have led me to them: My first question is shorter so I will start with this one. Last episode you guys had talked about a water pick thing for cleaning your teeth. Well my dentist JUST used one on me for the first time a couple weeks ago and I was amazed at how well/quickly it cleaned my teeth. I did not know this was an actual tool we could buy for our personal use however!! A: I’m curious as to how it hooks up so it allows water to run through it with enough force and it not be a huge hassle? B: Where can you find them? And are they expensive? So my second questions actually stemmed off of Adam’s almost rant on how time is not really an actual thing, more just a concept. My recent ex would bring this up time from time and get flustered about the whole concept and how it’s not a real thing and how we are all brainwashed into thinking the way we do. He would start with, “there is no such thing as a second or hour, or the date of the day, year, etc.” and just go on. I do get this concept to a degree, but I never got the chance to hear someone talk about it without anger and hatred behind the whole thing. Adam could you elaborate? I was really hoping you were going to get into it that one episode, so I would love to hear your theory on this and see where it may take the discussion. Thank you guys for all you do. The show is amazing and it brightens my day. Stay real!"
  • Marge (16/GF) asks, "Hey, awkward coworkers!! I recently had a rather awkward situation while eating out with my family. My parents, sister, and I sat down in a mostly empty casual restaurant a couple weeks ago on a Friday afternoon. This place is mostly comparable to a Chili's in terms of fanciness. 15 minutes in, a hippy-ish looking couple and there four kids, all under 10, are sat in the booth behind us. Quickly, a terrible waft of body-odor and little kid feet overcomes us. My mother got up several times to step outside and I spent the next 30 minutes with my head in my soup, trying to smell not to it. Would it have been rude to ask our waitress to move us? Should we have directly said what the problem was? The restaurant was mostly empty and I was just concerned it would be rude it we all just got up and moved away from them. What should one do in this situation or if another table is just generally being annoying? Love the podcast, thanks!"
  • Bambi (29/SF) asks, "Aloha coworkers, or as we'd say in Australia 'G'day mateys', I have been listening to your podcast for a while now, I drive a truck bigger then a house in a coal mine in Australia, 12 hour shifts, & i have to say your podcasts keep me sane, always make me laugh too (: I myself have pretty much been an awkward human most of my life, since childhood I have always been frumpy & overweight & school bullying made me so conscience of this, during my later teens I was able to socialise ok but only if I drank alot! Thsese days I have since lost alot of weight (going from 109 and am now 64) & am very in to health and fitness (I dont want to go back to how I was and I put on weight so easy so avoid excess calories eg. drinking) i am a friendly person but i mostly avoid social situations as it gives me crippling anxiety and i dont know what to say to people, my voice gets shaky and i mess up my words and all round feel like a spaz. The result of all that is I don't really have any friends, I have my partner, siblings , 1 old friend from school and one newer friend i spend one on one time with every now and then. The thing is it'll be my 30th this year and I'd love to have a big partty but I feel no one will turn up as i always have blown off everyone elses invites to parties ect. Ive never really experienced a party for me and really want to but don't know if I should bother because I'm scared of rejection, what do you think I should do, should I try? do you have advice for me on how to be less scared of people without having to take drugs or get blind drunk? I appreciate any help, 29 year old straight female, Bambi."
  • Janice (F) asks, "Aloha Awkwards!! I’ve always wanted to write you people but never is anything interesting going on... and then I got a cat. I got it from a craigslist post three months ago and the girl who was selling it was super nice but kind of a hippie though. She was like this is how you feed it and she showed me all these safety things to do and purchase from ‘legitimate’ retail stores. Like she was kind of weird CLEARLY but she obviously cared about the cat. Like last week I come home and there’s this note on my door which I can’t read besides a phone number. It looked like cuneiform but a doctor’s prescription. I work at a pizza store and I had my coworker call it to pretend to be a pizza delivery and the girl who picked up was definitely drunk. He was like it was just some lesbian with a hangover and so I just guessed it was on my door on accident. Except then like two days after that she shows up at my door at like almost midnight demanding I have her cat and her cat was stolen. I called the police but she keeps harassing me and I don’t know if it’s her cat or not. Like that hippie could’ve stolen it to save it from this husky woman who can’t take care of animals so I think I probably don’t want to give it back to her even if it is her cat. You can’t totally answer this all the way but what would you do with this situation?"

Special Segment: Check out the brand new Bukkake! Academy to learn to play like a pro and have a game night with us. :)

Final Thoughts: Where's the worst place you've accidentally put/left some hot sauce?

Related Links:

  • WaterPik Flosser: Under $60 (currently, and generally)—like a spa for your teeth! I don't know if that's accurate but it seems like a good, silly tag line, doesn't it? :)