The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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33: Admiral Doorman

October 28, 2014 at 11:00PM • 60 minutes • Wiki Entry

This week on the podcast we're talking about princess girlfriends, fighting for your significant other, and secret gays. Questions? Email or call 323-456-3345 to leave us a voicemail.

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Darren recounts a Halloween night where he tried to dress as Al Jolson in black face.

This Week's Questions:

  • Anon (Story) asks, "About three years ago I was at a (male) friend's house, with plans to stay the night. I went to this friend's house expecting to play some of the many video games he owned, and then go to sleep, but things changed about halfway through the evening. My friend had invited a girl which we both knew, a friend to me and an awkward love interest for him. We all hung out in a fairly innocent and regular way, and the evening was okay until it came to go to sleep. My friend had grabbed a comforter and pillow for me, and placed it on the floor close to his bed. The girl had asked to sleep in his bed, where he had planned to sleep himself. There seemed to be nothing wrong with the request, but I didn't quite care as long as I could sleep alone. Once everyone was situated, we all ended up asleep, though being on the floor I had issues getting and staying asleep. I played around on my phone until I finally did pass out, only to wake up a few hours later. Something was weird. As I cleared the fog of my brief rest, I heard sounds which seemed weird for it being some late hour of the night. I rubbed my eyes, and looked up, and realized what was going on. Heavy breathing and moans were coming from the bed, and suddenly the awkward sleeping arrangements had turned into full-on sex. I was a little upset that they had decided to have sex with me in the room, as I gladly would have left the room, and likely be less mentally scarred. I tried to drown out the sounds with my pillow, as the sounds only triggered thoughts of what was going on. I looked up and noticed that a shelf with roughly 75 NES cartridges was wobbling with an alarming amount of force. Suddenly, the cartridges on the shelves were flying towards me, and the sounds of awkward lovemaking had ceased. I heard shifting on the bed, and quickly tried to appear asleep, so as to make the situation less awkward. My friend got out of his bed, and inspected the mess, and shortly afterward got back to fucking the girl. The next morning I was hoping to get up and leave without question, but that would make it too easy. My friend asked me what I had done during the night, to which I had to play along with. I recall apologizing, and then heading home only to want to see a therapist, wanting to forget the night and perhaps live a life of abstinence, as thinking about sex only triggered traumatic thoughts. For weeks he would tell our mutual friends about how I had knocked over all of his NES cartridges, continually bringing back those horrible thoughts. Needless to say, I never stayed overnight at this friend's house again."
  • Art asks, "I am an admiral in the US Navy. I was at a formal event last week in full uniform and a man told me to go get him a taxi—obviously mistaking me for a doorman. What does one say in this situation?"
  • Jimmy (17/SM) asks, "Why do so many girls want to be treated like a princess? I've got no problems with being a gentleman, but I'm not gonna spoil a girl like she's royalty. It's fucked. I meet lots of girls like this. This is how they act at my school. I don't want to date these girls but sometimes I dunno what they decide to be like at first. So we go out and then they want pampering and I wanna tell them it's like, you're not a princess so STFU. But that's rude so what else."
  • Graham asks, "Aloha! So my significant other and I are out and about. We've been dating for about 8 months and things have been going well. I am 23 years old and she is my age. We were at this party and she accidentally spilled her drink on a girl in the club. The other girl started to flip out and her boyfriend came to see what the fuss was all about. My girlfriend apologized but that was not enough; the other girl threw her drink on my girlfriend's face and her boyfriend shoved me. Being a quiet and rational guy, I decided to walk away from the situation, so I grabbed my girlfriend and we left. Afterwards my girlfriend was quite upset at me for not standing up for her. I really did not want to fight. What should I do?"
  • Marlene asks, "My brother is 19 and I am so, so sure he is gay. I don't care, my parents won't care, and nobody will really care. Like everyone will be fine with it, but he won't come out. Is it possible he doesn't know he's gay? Is there anything I can do to help him along?"

Special Segment: Your tales of how you walke in on sex or sex walked in on you!

Final Thoughts: Why do so many people talk like they're annoyed with everything, even when it's good?