The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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97: The Maid of Awkward

January 19, 2016 at 12:00PM • 1 hour 32 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about the maid of awkward, brotherly cum, and the perfect crime. Special guest: comedian Jeffrey Jay. Next week: the return of Beowulf and Darren. Want to ask a question on the show? Visit!

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Jeffrey gets invited to his high school reunion under three names.

This Week's Questions:

  • Ursula (SF) asks, "My mother is a racist cunt and I'm dating a black guy. Go."
  • May (25/BF) asks, "Please use the pseudonym May. And sorry, I know this is long, and I'd love to do a Skype call with you guys, but I'm from the Philippines and my net is shit. So please bear with me. But if you still want to try maybe we can! In the mean time, please bear with this long message. :) Hi guys, I'm a bi-sexual 25 year-old and currently in a relationship with a wonderful man, though these details may not be needed, this is my main awkward issue: My ex (who's a woman) was invited to a close friend's wedding but because of some awkward instances, my ex still hasn't confirmed her attendance. As the bride-to-be's maid of honor, I'm tasked to make sure that the people in our group of friends finalize their attendance, including their plus ones. The thing is, although our breakup was sort of civil, my ex stopped trying to be close to the group. And there were some things that I did which makes me understand why she wouldn't want to be close to us anymore. I've come to terms with our friends wanting to make an effort to get my ex back into the group, though they know that things will never be the same. But I wouldn't want to ruin my friend's wedding day if things will still be awkward between us if/when she does attend the wedding. How should I act when she's around? Ignoring her would be rude, but being friendly would be fake. What should I do? Here are some additional details: - My ex and I were part of a close group of friends since high school, but she never really spoke of our relationship problems to our friends. She just consulted with her family and her college friends, and our friends were pretty much hurt that they didnt feel important enough to be made aware of her problems. - Weeks prior to our breakup, she admitted that she had a crush on one of the girls in her college group. But told me that that had nothing to do with the decision to break up with me. Her reasons at the time were: I was clingy, insecure, and she didnt love me anymore. Dont hate, because looking back, she was right. BUT two months after our breakup, she and the other girl got together and me and my friends didn't know until 2 months after that. - I tried to keep my distance from my ex because I felt even more hurt. And months after, I found some suspicious activity with my social media account after which I got hacked and my ex read a private thread between me and some close group of friends. I found out because my ex had blocked all of my friends after a day session of us hating on her new girlfriend. When I found out, I posted a public status message pointing fingers at her new girlfriend because security settings showed that the 'hacker' lived in her new girlfriend's area. Naturally, she got mad and she stopped talking to us completely. - Right now, because it's 2016 and I guess she's trying to be a better person, my ex has unblocked my friends. One of my friends is trying to reach out to be friendly again, but after a few exchanges, my ex hasn't been in contact with my friends since. More questions: should my friends keep trying to be friends with my ex? And as the maid of honor, should I still be the one to see if she's coming or can I assign that to someone else? Or would it be better if I do it since I'm the source of her tension with the group? And what if my ex brings her girlfriend to the wedding? Many thanks and I love your podcast!"
  • Anonymous asks, "I love your show. Every week: a dream. I have a question unlike any you've ever answered before, I am sure. I want to commit a crime and I need your guidance. But wait! Aren't crimes illegal? If I commit one, wouldn't I get in trouble? If you help me, wouldn't you get in trouble? Let's put that aside for now and call this a hypothetical. You and I are not planning a crime. We are discussing how one might choose a perfect crime given the following criteria: 1) It must be exhilarating. 2) It cannot cause notable harm or suffering to anyone or any business, such as if I stole the hope diamond but gave it back afterwards. 3) It must be foolproof so hypothetical me has no true risk of incarceration, physical harm, or death. Please come up with a perfect crime for me that I can definitely not commit because I would not ask you to help me break the law. This is just an Einstein-esque thought experiment and I definitely will not act on this impulse. I simply want to imagine it with you. Help me explore my criminal imagination if you would be so kind."
  • Anonymous (31/SM) asks, "Hola Humans! I think I'm an asshole and I need a second opinion because the first one comes from my girlfriend (call her Rachel Lee Cook, please and thank you). Just guessing but I think she was raped or molested. That's cool, I don't care. She just cries during sex when I'm fucking her and it really turns me on. She looks like it hurts and I have to really work at it to not blow my load when I see those tears leaking out of her fucking face. I respect her and treat her like a queen but fuck I just think it's so fucking hot. She was embarrassed before we boned the first time and told me about it and I was cool with it. I didn't know it was a thing for me until it happened. She was like don't worry I like sex I just cry but I think she caught on when I started cumming like a fireman. After the fourth time she asked me if it bothers me and I said no and she asked me if I cared about her. Like I think she knows but I didn't tell her because if she got raped maybe it's going to mess her up. Okay, so I am probably an asshole right? But is there a way she can keep crying and I can keep fucking her and nobody has to feel bad about it?"
  • Ted (20/SM) asks, "so you got me thinking too much last week with your discussion of Bearenstieinites. i am not a believer in parallel unversii or magic. not even conspiracies but my gf has been givin me weird signals from the start. she is amazing. she never complains. she loves sex. we fuck all the time. she is the smartest and helps me with school. she puts everything into me and coasts by herself. sounds great, right? like too great? because i think it is. if sumthin is too good to be true you know it isn't true. listen. i love this girl. i don't want to fuck it up. i want you to tell me i'm crazy but listen. i'm not hot. i look like a hotter beavis but that's not sayin much. i make mistakes. i get jealous of her cuz she's hot as shit and guys want her. i get jealous and can't let it go but she doesn't give a shit. she thinks it's hot. everything i do is hot. she just hit on me at a bar one day and moved in my apartment one month later. it's a studio. i ain't got money. i got student loans and debt. she never has money probs. she pays for us a lot. like i don't do anything. i have nothing to offer. i'm even kinda shitty with my personality. seriously i am not a bad guy i'm just not special. she's way outta my league. like i don't know grammar or spelling (duh). i'm lazy. i'm seriously not down on myself just tryin to be realistic here. like i've had girlfriends and i'm pretty good at sex i think. i just don't got skills like some people. like she's so good i don't believe it. like it blows my mind. my family has no money. we have no power or connections. like there's no angle. the only thing i think maybe is she needs to hide out. like she's in some sorta trouble or sumthin. do you catch me? i think maybe she's with me to hide out and one day she's just not gonna be here. i'm fallin in love with her and i don't believe she wants me like at all for real. but i don't know. like i don't get it. i want it to be true and real. girls like this don't exist tho. not for me or even pimps like those hemsworth boys. you catch me? seriously, sumthin is up. you get this right? it's weird right? i dunno what to do. like if i bring it up maybe she won't want to be with me but maybe if i say it and she still wants to then it's really a scam or sumthin. seriously tho plz tell me your opinion."
  • Jake M. (16/M) asks, "Hey guys, my brother is masturbating a lot now because he is 13. I masturbated a lot then and still do but I do it in the shower or on the toilet. He does it in bed. We share a bedroom with bunk beds and he's on top. Sometimes I wake up and there's cum on me. He is a frequent masturbator. I got wicked pissed and punched him for masturbating while I was trying to sleep and now I got cum on my face in the morning sometimes. I told him I'm gonna smack him if he fuckin masturbates in the room with me but he waits until I'm sleeping. Like WTF is his shit? Should I wait til he sleeps and piss on him? Like what do you do with him? Is this some gay shit or is he just stupid?"

Special Segment: No thank you!

Final Thoughts: Jeffrey shares his stand up.

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