The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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99: Texting the Void

February 3, 2016 at 12:00PM • 1 hour 17 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about whining women, bashful boyfriends, and football faggots! Want to ask a question on the show? Visit

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Adam finally finds out where "Where Did I Come From?" came from.

This Week's Questions:

  • Lucas (GM) asks, "A special update on the phone about Lucas' dating life."
  • Jackson (28/GM) asks, "Hello Humans! My name is Jackson and I am 28 and a big faggot! Like a fab, fierce unicorn shit. This is important information because I am a highly flammable gay man and I have a question about fantasy football etiquette. Surprise! The Superbowl is happening again in February and I am super excited because I am a Denver boy and we gonna fucking win bitches!! My dad and I have a fantasy football team together. I'm a huge football faggot anyway but he is on a father-son league and I agreed to do it to keep him from losing all his money. He likes to bet and we had debt problems all my childhood. My mama made me promise not to let him burn up all his money because they got their credit back to where it should be and stuff. It's been going good for enough years but I'm kinda a slut so if I got a boyfriend before it was over in a month pretty much and these guys never met the parents. Or I just got fucked and never called let's be serious! Every year the league does the 4F (my name for the party which is Fabulous Fantasy Football Feast) Superbowl party. So it's all the father-son teams and the wives or girlfriends. I'm the only faggot on the team and I have a boyfriend this year. We've made it six months so far! I'm excited to bring him and the league is cool with it so the question is not about that at all. What's got me all anxious is the boyfriend. Jamie (boyfriend) doesn't like football or any sports. He is an 'intellectual' and can be very judgmental sometimes. He doesn't like football because it's dangerous and he thinks it's boring and a caveman activity. I'm like bitch you gotta chill sometimes so he said he'd go and shut up. But then he found out about the food which is all frozen warm up food and pizza. Like what else? But he doesn't know sports parties. I love it and it is fun. We eat good healthy food all the time and sometimes you just gotta let wild. He's like I'm bringing my own food and fuck pizza and like won't shut up about it. I don't want him to fuck it all up but also I don't want to go with my boyfriend and then show all these straight guys a bad gay. Like I don't want to set gay rights back in their heads because Jamie wants to be a tool. He's awesome but he can get worked up about things and then people see the wrong side of him. Should I just not bring him? Like that might be bad too because then it'll look like he hates us. I don't know. What do y'all think I should do?"
  • Chase (22/GM) asks, "Hi humans! Love the show! I am a 22 year old, gay male and I have a dilemma with my boyfriend. I am an extremely extraverted person and I enjoy talking to the guys that I'm dating or interested in. But my boyfriend is that exact opposite: he is extremely introverted, barely talks to me when we aren't together, and is just a passive person in general. I should preface that I live an hour away from him and that I only get to see him on the weekends. During the week, he never talks or calls and I have to dictate when we communicate with each other although sometimes he never texts back. I have really bad anxiety and often times I think that he's not interested in me because of his lack of communication. We have only been dating for about a month but we have been seeing each other off and on since May. He is currently in school and uber drives on the side and I know that can be a factor in how busy he gets. But I also work a full time job and can still find time to communicate with him. I usually will text him once hoping for a response, sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. I usually give him a day in between communication so I don't pester him too much. But he NEVER goes out of his way to communicate with me. Sometimes I see that he talks on Grindr and he tells me that it's just conversation. I've confronted it, told him that I trust him, and that I needed clarification to ease my worry. But if he can text on there but not with me, what does that mean?! It's just frustrating and maybe it's because we are just different people. I should also mention that I have to initiate every plan for us to do stuff together to which I have also asked him about and he said that he never comes up with plans (which makes sense since he is so passive). But I really like him and feel my feelings growing for him every time we do stuff together which is always really great and exciting. So I guess my question here is am I crazy with my anxiety and should I just work on myself and try to get over my anxiety? Or talk to him about it even though I've confronted him about it before (which he never really responded to other than saying sorry and that he would try better)? I don't want to be the crazy boyfriend that nags him all the time and it's awkward during those times when I want to say something about it but don't. [WE ASKED FOR MORE DETAILS ABOUT THE POSITIVE ASPECTS OF THE BOYFRIEND/RELATIONSHIP.] Soooooooo I have a muscle disease and I fall a lot and he takes care of me which is really sweet. He does go out of his way with little gifts that he gives to me, and his body language is great towards me when we are together. We have a great time together in person. We go on these fun, interesting dates. He's introduced me to his family and we hang out. Actually I just played a board game with him and his mom while you emailed me. So in person, everything is fantastic! Even the sex is amazing. It's just when we aren't together that I often sit there wondering why he doesn't communicate with me. My best friend who is extremely introverted too feels like he is just like her. And my best friend oftentimes goes quiet too, but not nearly as much as my boyfriend. Oh I should also mention that he's battling depression! That's relevant."
  • Anonymous (34/SM) asks, "I am a 34 year old straight male who is married to a 25 year old straight female for one year. She is a lady I love and respect but she will still not unlock her legs!! I am going mad. She won't talk about it, she just doesn't want to do it she says. Last time we got it on was six months ago. I need sex so badly. Am I gonna have to cheat?"
  • Dameon (24/BM) asks, "Yo coworkers, I have a BIG question about a specific situation. Like I'm saying it is about me but also about everybody. I am bi so I noticed I get annoyed a lot with shit women do but not men. Like when they nag or I don't listen right with women, but men that's not happening. If a bag of chips is on the table a man doesn't care but a woman is like why are the chips still on the table? Bitch, I put a clip on them! So I got told by this man I fuck that it's not like that but I get all up in arms about everything. Like I don't like being told I'm wrong. But who wants that? So like I don't know if I'm just getting annoyed about everything or if it's them or like maybe I'm sexist a little. I got told that one time but I was young. So what I'm asking you is that do women nag and complain more and are men annoyed more or is it just like me and not a true stereotype?"

Special Segment: Not today!

Final Thoughts: The group performs a dramatic reading of a series of unfortunate text messages.

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